So it’s been four months…

It’s been four entire months since I’ve made a post—sorry guys!

A lot of things were happening last semester, including a couple of grueling classes, a research lab, and a new chair position. I know excuses aren’t great, but this year I hope to chat a bit more on this little blog of mine.

Got a little bit of news for anyone who’s been trying to keep up with my life (good luck, because I can hardly keep up with myself).

Since my last post, I’ve volunteered quite a bit. I recently got back from a medical brigade in Honduras. Before that, I lead a service trip to Appalachia and I am currently planning another one to my hometown (SUPER excited about this—more about this later). Actually, more about everything later, because I’d like to share some resolutions with you all just because they’ve been on my mind. Here goes:

Incorporate more mindfulness in my life.

Mindfulness is a state of being in the moment. As the busy bee I am, sometimes it’s hard for me to take a step back from my actions to truly grasp their purpose. I think this is something that would be beneficial. Too often, I find myself going through the motions—I don’t think life should be that way.

Stop thinking about what others think about me.

This is a more difficult feat with my anxiety. I am constantly pushing thoughts in my head about what others may or may not think, and it contributes too much to my thinking. As a sophomore in college, I have a lot of decisions coming my way. Most importantly, Who am I? and Who do I want to be? A lot of these questions are questions that should be solely mine to answer.

Communicate.

Being as socially anxious as I am, I find it hard to open up to others. I find it especially hard to speak up when I am in need. In class, it makes it hard to make connections with others, which is incredibly important. A funny story: I sat in the same spot every single day for my Organic Chemistry lecture of around 400 students. This random guy always sat next to me—I suppose we were both lone wolves in the class. Knowing no one else, we stuck together in a weird, non-talkative kind of way. We went through 75% of the semester without speaking, until I finally got the guts to introduce myself. Now, we are great friends, and he helped me tremendously during finals! This makes me wonder about all the other friendships I’ve missed out on.

Relax.

I realize that I’m always the person on edge, waiting for the next thing and worrying about things that aren’t even problems yet. I hardly ever utilize my downtime in a positive way. One of the best things I did during finals week was chill out before the exam. I was freaking out. Before the exam, I was not in a great mental state, honestly. I stressed WAY too much, and my body told me to relax.

I had two of my most difficult exams on the same day, twelve hours apart (God help me, one at 8AM and one at 8:30PM). Not sure what kind of sick joke college was trying to play on me, but it wasn’t fun. After gluing my eyes to my book the night before and after my 8AM, I was not mentally there any more. And no, I didn’t cram study—I studied for two weeks straight. I just needed to relax. I stepped away from the book about two hours from my exam. If I didn’t know the material by then, it didn’t matter. My brain could not physically soak anything more up. Instead, I took a hot bubble bath and put on a face mask. I almost felt guilty, but in all honest it was the Best. Decision. Ever. I walked into my exam with full confidence and survived—who would’ve thought?

Settle.

While this may seem odd to have as a goal, I think sometime settling is important. Actually, let’s call it something else: be grateful. Does that sound better?

I have this problem (actually, I think many do in this society), where nothing seems good enough. I don’t have enough this…I don’t have enough that…In reality, I have what I need. I have enough to survive. I have food in my fridge, and love surrounding me. For some reason, I keep striving for so much, that I’m destroying myself in the end. Instead of “Is this good enough?,” I’d rather ask myself, “Am I happy? Am I in an okay spot?”

Of course, I’m not saying to never strive for anything more. I’m just saying, I will never be happy if I keep looking at what I want instead of what I have. When I think about who I am and who I want to be, I realize I put ridiculous goals on myself. No doubt in my mind that I could do these things if I really wanted to…but maybe it’s not what I really want. I don’t need to be rich and famous. I’d rather simply be happy. I think I need to settle for happiness—seems like enough for me!

 

So there’s that. My midnight thoughts about resolutions for the new year that I posted 19 days too late. I hope you enjoy reading my posts, however delayed and spontaneous they are. What are some of your resolutions? Feel free to share. Hopefully, I will chat with you more soon 🙂

Thanks for reading,

Yin

 

 

 

Thought of the Day: Saying “Yes”

As I start to learn more and more about myself, I’ve come to realize that I am not very good socially. I think many that know me would agree: I’m just flat-out awkward.

Because I am also so hard on myself about things like this, this is one thing that bothers me the most. My incapability to make small talk, tell a story, or fill an unpleasant silence—it sucks. Maybe that’s why I tend to write more than speak…

(P.S. If you have ever heard me try to tell a story, I am so sorry. I truly am terrible…thanks for fake laughing, if you did. I genuinely appreciate that!)

For some reason, I just can’t shake the feeling that I constantly feel like someone is judging me. What is s/he thinking of me right now? Do I have something on my face? Am I doing something wrong? All the while, the person in my presence is probably not thinking about anything—or are they? Well, I could definitely talk myself into circles with this nonsense. I am constantly filling and refilling my thoughts with doubts, anxiety, and insecurity.

What I have begun to realize is that this really takes a toll on me. Too many people for too long really starts to drive me nuts. The room suddenly starts to get smaller and everyone always seems to be looking at me. Even though, that may not be the reality, the feeling is very very real. And it’s a scary feeling, and sometimes a bit hopeless.

I wish more than anything that I could be the girl who doesn’t freak out during interviews. I wish I could be the person that could have in depth conversations about interests with others. I wish I could just have comfortable conversation with someone else without worry. What a skill to have!!!

Instead, I’m pretty much left with incredibly weird moments of silence that make me/other person even MORE uncomfortable…as if it couldn’t get any worse. What a freaking nightmare.

While I have always wanted to be a socialite, you know, the host, the story teller, the great party thrower, etc. I can do nothing but accept who I am and try to work on it. When I think about how I’ve basically become even more of a hermit the past year or so, I’d like that to change.

In the past, when invited to anything, I tend to hunt for an excuse. I, too reluctantly, turn them down for absolutely nothing but staying home and watching Netflix all by myself. I’m not helping my situation by avoiding it, am I? How will I ever learn to talk to anyone without trying first?

So I guess this has really been on my mind today: I need to start saying “yes” a little bit more.

Thanks for reading,

Yin

Do you ever feel like this? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Also, any great ideas on how to work on this? Surely, I can’t be the only one…