As I start to learn more and more about myself, I’ve come to realize that I am not very good socially. I think many that know me would agree: I’m just flat-out awkward.
Because I am also so hard on myself about things like this, this is one thing that bothers me the most. My incapability to make small talk, tell a story, or fill an unpleasant silence—it sucks. Maybe that’s why I tend to write more than speak…
(P.S. If you have ever heard me try to tell a story, I am so sorry. I truly am terrible…thanks for fake laughing, if you did. I genuinely appreciate that!)
For some reason, I just can’t shake the feeling that I constantly feel like someone is judging me. What is s/he thinking of me right now? Do I have something on my face? Am I doing something wrong? All the while, the person in my presence is probably not thinking about anything—or are they? Well, I could definitely talk myself into circles with this nonsense. I am constantly filling and refilling my thoughts with doubts, anxiety, and insecurity.
What I have begun to realize is that this really takes a toll on me. Too many people for too long really starts to drive me nuts. The room suddenly starts to get smaller and everyone always seems to be looking at me. Even though, that may not be the reality, the feeling is very very real. And it’s a scary feeling, and sometimes a bit hopeless.
I wish more than anything that I could be the girl who doesn’t freak out during interviews. I wish I could be the person that could have in depth conversations about interests with others. I wish I could just have comfortable conversation with someone else without worry. What a skill to have!!!
Instead, I’m pretty much left with incredibly weird moments of silence that make me/other person even MORE uncomfortable…as if it couldn’t get any worse. What a freaking nightmare.
While I have always wanted to be a socialite, you know, the host, the story teller, the great party thrower, etc. I can do nothing but accept who I am and try to work on it. When I think about how I’ve basically become even more of a hermit the past year or so, I’d like that to change.
In the past, when invited to anything, I tend to hunt for an excuse. I, too reluctantly, turn them down for absolutely nothing but staying home and watching Netflix all by myself. I’m not helping my situation by avoiding it, am I? How will I ever learn to talk to anyone without trying first?
So I guess this has really been on my mind today: I need to start saying “yes” a little bit more.
Thanks for reading,
Do you ever feel like this? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Also, any great ideas on how to work on this? Surely, I can’t be the only one…